Guest Article By: Dr. X:
I have felt for a long time that the United States is a misandric culture. Although a whole post, if not a book, could be written on that subject, I will perhaps tackle that another day. No one laments the difficulties inherent in being a male in modern day America. We are portrayed negatively for our inherit differences from women. Craven, insensitive, clueless. In the case of the male sex drive, which is fairly consistent across cultures, a negative context permeates the media in the United States. This in fact, spills over into effecting women as well. For while we live in a culture that glamorizes sex, paradoxically women are burdened with guilt if they are “too sexual”. (i.e. Slut Bashing) Think how many derogatory terms exist that denote a sexually driven woman that are negative, and compare that to those that describe men. Although women enjoy and want sex as much as men do, from the minute they learn they have genitals, girls are taught that men are predators, that their duty is to protect themselves, and that if they embrace their sexuality, they are harlots.
At the same time, despite the laments of Oprah and her ilk, the culture men does seem overall to encourage men to be sexual. A man with sexual options is admired by other men and is considered attractive by women. Men without sexual experience are scorned by their peers, and any potential dating prospects, upon learning of his inexperience, will wonder what is wrong with this man that no one has wanted to be with him.
Much more could be said on this topic as well, but my point is that, the end result of the interaction is a culture where men are expected to be the aggressor, and women passively wait until they are engaged. Although considered “normal”, this dynamic creates a great deal of problems for many people of either gender.
We, as men, are expected to approach women. This is not an easy task for many. God knows, with my Aspergers syndrome, nothing is more terrifying than cold approaching a woman I find attractive. On paper, one would think I shouldn’t have any issue. I am a fucking physician (not that I gloat about that fact in a pick-up setting), I consider myself good looking, in good shape, over six feet tall, and yet I freeze up at the thought of cold, approaching a woman. Every day, in the office I talk to strangers without any problem, and despite my Aspergers, which is admittedly not too severe, I have managed to cobble together fairly good (albeit certainly not without flaws) set of social skills over the years. In my twenties, when I would go out, I would drank to subdue my anxiety so that I could attempt to make cold approaches. The problem was that, by the time I was able to adequately able to do so, my ability to present myself in a coherent manner was buried in alcohol soaked cortex to such a degree that an errant discharge of static electricity would have blown off my head.
So I was left with the choice of either overcoming my social anxiety, coming off as a lush, or else continuing to project an aloof, unapproachable aura. Any hint of shyness, or awkwardness when doing a cold approach, and you are judged negatively. You are perceived as flawed, weak, and/or not confident. Ironic, for in any other setting, I don’t think the I am often found lacking in confidence.
On the other side of the coin, Women, have to be subjected to all manner of come-on. Ask any beautiful woman, and they will tell you how annoying it quickly gets to be subject to the endless parade of insulting insinuations, pick up lines, and unwanted interest. Many of these women are very nice people, but are forced to be bitchy and on guard because of the constant barrage of harassment they are subjected to.
So contrast this with men, where, no matter how good looking you are, (unless you are a celebrity), it is much more rare for a woman will hit on man. Sure, it happens. In Vegas, and being the west coast is significantly more liberal towards the acceptance of female sexuality, I may get my ass grabbed, or have a girl smile and start a conversation who is obviously interested (although I have to be on guard, as more often than not, they are working girls). Maybe this will happen once or twice a night when I go out – IF I am wearing a suit. And I would say that the number is about the same for my better looking buddies. Given the number of woman in the club, this seems a low number. Hundreds of women may be in a venue, and I am sure a large percentage of these women went with the goal of trying to meet a man. Not that I pretend to understand women any more than any other male, but it seems to me that buying expensive sexy clothes, spending hours on hair and make-up, staying in shape, and all the drama getting a group of girls into a club must have some motivation based in trying to meet members of the opposite sex. And the truth is, in general, women like and want sex as much as men. When I was a teen I didn’t believe that, and the media certainly suggests otherwise, but talk to, date, or sleep with enough women and you will sure as hell learn that that fact is indeed true. That is, unless you come off like a judgmental asshole and then no woman is going to open up to you.
It’s not like women have to be totally passive. Sure, there are signals projected to a male a woman is attracted to. Personally, I don’t speak Estrogen, and being inherently blind to social cues in particular handicaps me in this regard. So, unless a woman is straight up in my face, (or pushing her boobs into my back for longer or more intensely than the crowd would justify), whatever signals of interest might as well be written in ancient Etruscan. I am oblivious. My neurotypical friends fare better at picking some of it up, but I don’t doubt that for every twenty or so non-verbal signals thrown, any heterosexual male will miss over 90% of them.
I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for a woman in the club environment. Fending off aggressive suitors who are not her type and at the same time hoping to capture the attention of someone they do like must be infuriating. I can think of more productive pursuits other than hoping us clueless guys will correctly read the social cues. Blacksmithing perhaps? I would very much be curious to get Jayde’s perspective on this. The reason I say this, is, as is often the case with Asperger males, I end up dating a woman who has actually hit on me. Jayde is no exception. To be fair, I was interested in her as well. Come on, who wouldn’t be. Smart, sexy, funny, and sexually comfortable. You don’t run into that combination every day. We knew each other in a semi-professional context for a while. Likely because of her Asperger’s as well, she was very forward – a trait that is both unusual and one I find very appealing. I don’t know if most men, aspie or neurtotypical feel the same way. I can imagine the less confident men may well be intimated by such direct tactics.
Despite my luck in the case of Jayde, a once in a lifetime event if even that frequent, the reality of the situation is, that if you want to meet women, you can’t just wait around. As the old Chinese proverb goes: “A peasant has to stand on the hillside for a very long time with his mouth open before a roast duck will fly into it.”
So, if you happen to be blessed with little in the way of social anxiety, then the dynamic at play presents no problem for you. If approach anxiety is something you have to contend with, you can try to self-medicate with alcohol, which can be problematic, take steps to reduce your approach anxiety, or I guess try to meet girls on the internet, or masturbate, or go to church or something. As far as trying to cope with approach anxiety, there are loads of techniques out there, mostly taught in the pickup artist community. None ever worked for me, but my approach anxiety was off the scale high. At one point, I even tried a medication specifically geared for social anxiety for a while. It worked great, except that I was uninhibited to humorous levels the rest of the time, and my limbic system kept getting flooded by with intense emotions my Aspie brain wasn’t used to regulating.
Fortunately, cold approach isn’t the only game in town. In fact, if you are patient, you may well find social circle game is a much more rewarding way to meet new women. What do I mean by social circle game? Developing social connections and relationships within the “pick-up” environment that will work for you to meet women. But there are loads more advantages than just that. Back at a time when I was focusing on building my social circle, I met all kinds of interesting people and have made friends that I never would have otherwise. To this day, I am able to utilize many of these relationships to get into clubs without the horrendous wait in line, and often without having to pay cover. Great benefit to be sure, but in truth, I value more the friendships I have made.
So, here are some critical rules to keep in mind when building your social circle:
To go about developing a social circle, the first thing you need is having something to offer of value. Everyone hates the mooch who wants to sponge off of your social connections, or who begs you to get them in the club, yet they bring nothing to the table. My promoter buddies and I deal with this all the time. Some cheap skate wants to skirt inside the club or join our table on our coat-tails. That is not saying that if we meet a cool guy, he isn’t welcome to hang with us, but if he doesn’t offer to join in getting a round or doesn’t do his share to pull girls, chances are he won’t be around for very long. And we are patrons. Think how annoying it is for the people who actually work at the club. They aren’t even there to have fun, and on top of having to do their jobs, they have to deal with people accosting them all the time wanting favors. You want to ask for favors, make damn sure you have something to offer in return.
What is of value? It could be something related to your career. Perhaps some special training, like a dentist or jeweler or something. “Hey, if you ever need any dental work, here is my card. I’ll write my cell phone on it so you don’t have to deal with the stuff “normal people” who call do. Ill make sure to get you right in. Take care of you.” Or perhaps you know a lot of women. Beautiful women are the currency of the club world, so if your sister happen to have twenty hot friends and you can get them to go out, then signing up these girls onto a promoters list is m-o-n-e-y. I know of some guys who host bimonthly dinner parties (on their dime), making the event a very exclusive function (increasing it’s value), and then using an invite as currency. There are all sorts of possibilities. Be creative. But bring value! Maybe host a weekly pre-party or after party. If you don’t have anything of value, spend a little effort and creativity and create something. It just takes marketing!
Second rule: Stick to your chosen venues. You won’t be able to develop any kind of relationships if you are go to a different place every time you go out. Find a few venues that are target rich, that suit your style, and you are comfortable within. Easy enough.
Third rule: Be nice to everyone. From those little guys who weave through the crowd with mops to clean up spilled drinks to the club owner, and everyone in between. Work the staff. Instead of focusing on women the first few times, make an effort to get to know the people who work in the venue. Talk to bouncers – I personally will often offer a bouncer a red bull! That often works great. Those guys get thirsty after pounding skulls, and no one really engages them in a non-confrontational fashion very often. I may get three or four non-alcoholic beverages and offer it a few of the bouncers. Just try to come off as a nice guy and not like you are hitting on them. Small gestures like that are often really appreciated. Another thing to keep in mind, is that, in general, you will always do better with male staff. Female staff are hired because they are eye candy. They get hit on constantly and attempts to befriend them will make you seem that you are just another loser. I’m not saying don’t develop some skill in engaging female staff, but it is a higher level skill set. I tend to adopt a more aloof air and then send out a funny quip while not really looking like I’m interested in engaging further. If she has the intellectual fortitude to understand humor, and possesses something close to a personality, she may make a comment back, and then you take it from there. But a word of caution, be it male or female staff, don’t overdue it and don’t overplay the interaction. Being overly friendly with a busy bartender you just met is annoying, and worse, obvious. Instead, wait politely, smile as you order a round, and then tip very well. That will get you remembered. Go back to the same bartender all night and after the third or fourth time (tipping well each time), and almost certainly he will recognize you and start to take care of you before others waiting in line. He may even start talking to you. Another important tip: Remember names! And once you get to know several people, you can utilize connections to help people. In summary, keep in mind the three A’s – Available, Affable, and Able. These traits will serve you well. And also, not only be willing to offer favors but be sure and follow-up as well.
It really doesn’t take all that long. Once you have befriended a few people, you will find yourself being introduced to others. Again, remember names! Tip well! Offer sincere compliments, do favors, be respectful, and do not get too drunk! One bad night and a bouncer 86’ing your ass will ruin all of your hard work.
Fourth rule: Get to know promoters if possible. Promoters are out trying to get tables. If you have the cash for a table, or are connected with people who want tables, or with social and hot girls that are willing to help you out, you have something the promoters need. I sometimes help my promoter buddies out, and pretend to be an old client who recognizes them. “Rick?! Oh my god! Guys! This guy is the BEST promoter ever!! I will never know how you got all those cheerleaders to invite us to that orgy, but Jesus was that night EPIC!” Female promoters? Although a big cock is of value in some settings, generally it is a bad idea to try and sleep with a promoter, even casually. The dynamic is just too unpredictable afterwards and a jilted promoter will do you a world of harm across multiple venues. Best to avoid any “misunderstandings” so I tend to stick with befriending male promoters. Like anyone in sales, some are good guys, some are assholes who will just use you for your value and do as little as they can in return. Learn to tell the difference early and dump the assholes.
After spending a little time on building your social circle, soon you will be the “inside guy”. People will be wanting to get to know you and utilize your connections to build their own social circle. That is because you have even more value now. You spent a lot of time building up your connections so don’t just give it away. When the bartender sees you and ignores the two hundred other people to serve you first, you can be damn sure some group of girls will beg you to hook them up. You may be tempted, but do you think they will swoon in appreciation and open their legs? Maybe at the end of the night, or if it is clear they are looking to hang out. But in general, be wary of girls asking for favors. Just because you have breasts I should hook you up? You don’t have to be a dick, but don’t be a sucker either.
For my part, the effort I expended on the front end has made going out infinitely more fun for me. Now when I go to one of the venues I like, I can be sure to enjoy seeing friends and catching up with people. When I was single, many nights I will just end up just talking with people I know that I never even getting around to meeting women. So what? I had a fast internet connection at home, and the night was still a blast.
Just be a friendly, sincere, nice guy. Nice guys may not attract women, but it sure as hell will help you to build a healthy social circle. From there, the women will follow.
If you’re ever in Vegas and want to maximize your fun, here are a few places I would recommend to check out before your trip: