You’re familiar with the expression practice safer sex. It is basically the baseline education of sexual health; a lesson taught at an impressionable age by parents, teachers and like-minded mentors meant to be practiced in any given sexual situation. We were taught safe sex meant using contraceptives to protect ourselves and our future from the possibility of unwarranted pregnancies and/or STDs but beyond that certainty, do we literally know what it means to practice safe sex? Evidently, some of us have proven we do not.
Remember that one, cringe worthy time you saw an individual or couple doing something new, lewd and obscenely arousing, and this rocked your socks off? Completely wrapped up in what you saw, you convince yourself (if solo) or your partner to emulate the lewdness and turn your fantasy into heavenly reality. At first everything seems to be working in your favor and you ease into the notion that perhaps this was the best idea you’ve ever had– when suddenly something snap, pops, breaks or bleeds and someone left screaming bloody murder. Well, unless you’re chaste, I know we have all been there before. And, if you have yet to feel that wrath, brace yourself because your day of reckoning will come.
A contusion here.
A muscle ache there.
A bloody nose or broken back.
Sometimes, on an off day, even normal sex could bite you in the ass or at the very least, tear a tendon. Nevertheless, you’re left in pain for weeks.
“Yesterday around 1pm, my boyfriend and I were having some pre-work sex. Nothing out of the ordinary took place during the encounter, but afterwards my knee had the feeling like it was asleep. Fast forward 24 hours and now I’m in the ER with shooting pains running up and down my leg due to nerve damage.” –a Reddit user
Sex-related injuries are not uncommon and can occur at any given moment. But don’t fret, because as painful as it is, a majority of them are minor and do not require immediate medical attention.
“Worked near a college campus where we would stop at least once a month to pick up an undergrad from a guy we started calling the ripper. He got that nickname because we’d always bring a girl from his house to the ER for torn vaginal tissue.” -Redhulk46, Reddit
That’s not to say everyone is so lucky–or smart even. Sex-related emergencies do occur, and these outlandish occurrences happen more often than none. Just ask a family member or friend who is a physician, EMT/firefighter, nurse–heck, ask anyone who works in healthcare. They’ll probably have a horror story to share of a patient under their care that suffered from a bizarre sex injury.
Photo Database Credit: Sydney Lupkin, VICE News/MedPage Today
According to the National Electronic Injury Surveillance System (NEISS), the most commonly treated injury seen in patients who required hospitalization and/or surgery, involved a foreign object deeply lodged into an unforgiving orifice. The inanimate object is prominently found stored in the cervix of most female patients and in the rectum of mainly male patients. Items ranging anywhere from massively over-sized dildos, to phallus-shaped edibles, to glass bottles, to toy cars, to broom handles, to aerosol cans, to almost anything favorable to an anus has been discovered, recorded (by NEISS) and ultimately removed. Some even make the news!
“Not me but my sister is an EMT and is frequently in the ER – lots of stories. A few months back a police officer from a few towns away (20 miles) arrived at the ER to have a large dildo removed from his ass. Arrived in his police cruiser dressed in civilian clothes and claimed someone had put the sex toy on his seat and it had slipped the entire way into his bum. No explanation of how it got through his unripped pants.”-Fishbulb00, Reddit
Sex is topic of taboo and is widely regarded as sensitive and private. So much so that people still find it uncomfortable and embarrassing to partake in an open discuss about sex with their partners. Subsequently, imagine being in such a compromising position then forced to air your dirty laundry for public shaming. This is enough to break even the strongest of wills… And it does. A number of patients have elected to forgo immediate medical treatment after sustaining their sex injury. These patients were willing to disregard their intuition to seek medical treatment, because of the shame and embarrassment. The outcome of these cases never end favorable to the patient.
“My buddy told me about a guy who had gotten a large onion stuck in his rectum. The guys excuse was that he was using it to massage his lower back, which is why he was completely naked and covered in oil, and slipped and fell on it causing it to lodge itself in his colon. The real kicker is that he was a few days into this ordeal because he wanted to pass it without going to the hospital so in the process he developed a massive [impaction] because he was completely clogged.” -NotaFrenchMaid, Reddit
Sex-related injuries are not only physically and financially burdensome, the mental and emotional stability of the afflicted individual is at risk for depression. Linnea Marie, Sexologist, of Clarion University of Pennsylvania, stated “After experiencing a sex related injury we can be mentally, physically, and emotionally affected by this traumatic event and shut down sexually.” This is true for the allotment of sexual injuries. The fear of shame, guilt and embarrassment is often the reason a patient will not seek medical attention. But any medical personnel will advise against not seeking treatment. Embarrassment, shame and guilt should never be placed above the importance of your health. You may feel you’ll be judged by your emergency care physician or hospital staff but I can assure you this is only temporary; the possibility of disability or death is permanent.
“Valentine’s Day about 5 years ago we had a couple come in. I was called to do an abdomen xray for “foriegn body”. Turns out he had a 12″ dildo in his rectum. His wife had been using it on him and lost control and it slipped all the way in. He had to go into emergency surgery because he had perforated his bowel. he made it. Not sure what happened to the dildo.” -Radiate_your_balls, Reddit
Life is a continuous cycle made of learning, experiencing and educating until the moment you perish. This same philosophy should be applied when practicing safe sex; learn what it is you’re attempting to do before doing it; experience it with caution and an open mind to improve; improve your education and rewind. Linnea Marie stated, “Many times [it’s] due to lack of knowledge, using objects that should never be used as a sexual device and/or positional injuries such as brush burns. Placing objects that do not belong in our body’s orifices can lead to embarrassing trips to the ER.” For the most part I agree with Linnea Marie, most sexually sustained injuries can be avoided with knowledge and education, but frankly we are still human and some humans are inexplicably dumber than others.
“Friend of mine once told me he was at the ER. I asked why, as all concerned people do. He’d gotten a ball stuck while he was….. well, you get what I mean. Guess he preferred alternative ways of having fun with balls (we’re talking the kind you play sports with, not the kind found in a guy’s pants). The best part is that he apparently got the same nurse every time he went, too, so when he went that night, it wasn’t even shock, it was “you again? You have got to stop doing this”. -IronCladJermey, Reddit
Epilogue: Sexual education is readily available online for those who seek it. Everyone has unique ways of achieving their sexual gratification. Be it BDSM, carnal kinks/fetishes, shoving massive objects up their butt, or trying out new and complex sex positions, there is no judgement here. Shove whatever the hell you want up your ass but (no pun intended) for Darwinism’s sake, before you do RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH, EDUCATION, EDUCATION, EDUCATION. Know your limitations and your body’s limitations.
If you haven’t properly trained your asshole to take the girth equivalent to a banana then tell yourself that shoving a watermelon up your ass is just fucking stupid. Matter of fact, I’ll save you the trouble of contemplating the inevitable and tell you NOT to shove anything round, edible, flammable, sharp, toxic, living and breathing non-humanistic up your ass. You’re welcome!