(Disclaimer: This guideline is of satirical nature and is written to for entertainment purposes only. No way, shape or form are we encouraging anyone to partake in illegal activities state or federal, therefore take this tips from the tricks as you will but at your own risk.)
I was fortunate to have had the opportunity to sit down with a few escorts from a premier and very popular escort agency here in Las Vegas. Sasha the blonde with blue eyes, Kelly the intensely ravishing red head, and March the blazing brunette. I began the interview with the usual where, when, how questions and somehow the conversation morphed into the girls sharing a laugh over shit they’ve equally dealt with from their clients. Interesting enough, along with many other “industry workers”, their complaints and apparent nightmarish stories stemmed from the client’s lack of even the most basic of etiquette. As the conversation topic reaches an end, all three beauties interlocked in simultaneous laughter over their similarities. Watching them, so in sync, suddenly sparked the idea to shift from interviewing escorts to being advised by escorts. Thus, alas! The tips of the trick trade from the tricks on how not to have a shitty date and be a dick client.
First and foremost: Expectation for preparations.
Whether you are scouring the web for independent escorts or the more commonly convenient escort agencies, do your homework! In the case of escort services, there is no such thing as oversimplifying. To protect yourself and chosen escort, each website will provide a guideline of rules and regulations. If you happen to land on a website which does not, this should immediately raise red flags for you to move on. It cannot be stressed enough the importance of the guidelines. Read them through and thoroughly—and for every website which piqued interest. Do not be an automatic asshole and assume all escorts are alike. They’re not, so prepare yourself. Be aware of their boundaries. This will not only ensure your night goes as planned but as well match you with the right candidate so your needs and expectations are fully gratified and met.
Twice as nice: Be frank and concise before paying a price.
One would consider this using common sense however, the fact of the matter is not everyone is created equally—and not everyone gets this. Darwinism does in fact exist. Subsequently, this may or may not come as a shock to you but the very reason you’ve sought the servicing of escorts in the first place needs to be explored and addressed. In layman, know what it is you and your dick wants. If you’re looking for intimate company, the girlfriend experience or even to indulge in fantasies, be in the know. She cannot read your mind, and she definitely cannot tell you what needs you want filled. This is all on you so figure it out way before you even begin to look. Once concluded, intent in hand, set your boundaries then voice these boundaries to the escort. In turn, she will more than likely appreciate and express her gratitude both physically and orally for making her job easier by setting the date’s mood to follow.
Third and equally important: Acknowledge her boundaries and respect her restrictions.
I shouldn’t have to remind grown ass men to respect their female counterparts but unfortunately the world is full of dickheads that needs taught, told and reminded. So, for the lesser of men, since compassion and empathy are two skills developed over time I will instead give you a quick lesson on cause and effect.
Cause and effect– adjective
- the principle of causation.
- noting a relationship between actions or events such that one or more are the result of the other or others.
Example: “Sally, the escort told Jimmy, her client she was against anal penetration. In the heat of the moment and against Sally’s request, Jimmy ignored her request and proceeded to anally penetrate Sally regardless. To Sally’s shock and dismay, she immediately pulled herself away from Jimmy and without hesitation punched him square in the dick. BeCAUSE Jimmy didn’t give no fucks and disrespected Sally wishes, Jimmy and his penis will feel the EFFECTS of his blatant disrespect for weeks to come.”
The moral of the story is even if you are innately a douchebag, your actions will ultimately determine the outcome of your date. Respect her and she will do wonderful things to you.
Four-th right: The meaning of clean and your hygiene.
Showering before a date is mandatory, however if you are favorable to manscaping your nether-regions, shaving should be done a day in advance. Manscaping often leaves cuts, nicks and if dull enough, razor burns. Open cuts and wounds will put your health and your date’s health at a higher risk for transmitting STDs. Shaving at least 24 hours prior will allow open wounds enough time to heal. Dress accordingly and do not over apply cologne or aftershave. Scent is an underrated erogenous zone for women. What if she does not particularly enjoy your fragrance of choice? Instant vibe killer.
It goes without say, practice safe sex. Offer condom and lube options just in case she is allergic to latex or certain lube basis. Do not gamble with your health and forgo necessary protection. With adult fun partaking comes adult decision making. Use. A. Condom.
The fifth and the favorable: Exude your gratitude.
It doesn’t matter if you’re normally frugal or being stingy is your thing, you do not hire an escort if you are not intending to tip. If your budget doesn’t afford you the option to tip then hiring an escort shouldn’t be a priority. When you hire an escort you are not only paying for a service but as well investing a small fortune to ensure you get what you’ve paid for. Hiring an escort is a luxury you’re entitled to. You work hard so why not reap the benefits beholden to you? Give generously and you shall receive pleasurably. By no means am I suggesting gratitude is mandatory or demanded but as you have worked exceedingly hard to earn your keep, so is she. After all, escorting is her chosen profession therefore if she performs above and beyond your expectations acknowledge you’re pleased not by verbal praise but with tipping. “Money talks.”