Last night I mass texted my (very limited) friends that were “my” actual friends.
I am pretty sure you can relate: You know when you are in a relationship you accumulate a variety of friends the “two” of you share?
Yeah… Ironically when I am “Free” no one has time! All dolled-up and no grandiose companion to escort me to XS nightclub.
A neurotypical or normal individual would just either: A) go solo or B) stay home C) go to a bar and meet friends but I’m far from normal….. So, instead, I opt to get online to “find” a suitable date, very to the point right? Funny the only site festering in my thoughts were Craigslist. Oh sweet baby Moses I have sunken into loserville with population–Me.
I post an AD under platonic personals:
Within five minutes my inbox began to overload with responses. Frivolously I read one response after the other. Some attractive, some underage, others apparently too illiterate to follow simple instructions or just fucking too lazy too; either asking if I am DTF or not attaching a photo.
I felt hopeless after opening the last email. FUCK FUCK fuckity FUCK! Sigh. First train back to Loserville!
The exact moment I pull my cursor to X out the window an email posted.
Subject: Evil Robotic Necromancer seeking sidekick for Vengeance.
I am seeking a professional Ninja to assist in a thoroughly organized plot.
Anonymity is required.
Immediate action required.
If you decide to accept this mission I will be waiting in the hotel lobby of Wynn Hotel & Casino
wearing a black hat.
-Caesarius of Arles
Enticed, intrigued and overtly entertaining. I slip on my red hooker pumps and dash out the door. It wasn’t a WOMAN as I had planned but suppose it’ll do.
When I had gotten to Wynn’s hotel lobby I looked around and finally spotted a Asian man or beast (couldn’t figure it out) in a black hat. His face was stern and emotionless. Just BLANK. He wasn’t attractive yet unattractive…..
He was about 5’9, looked a tad bit on the chubby side, a protruded tummy, wearing a black hat, periodic table t-shirt with a green/red/black plaid button down ontop of the tee, gray jeans and black chucks. I reminded myself I need not to fuck him only for an escort. I took a deep breath and went to introduce myself.
We both got in line to enter XS, I refrained myself of small talk. I knew he sensed the tension between us so decided to ramble on and on about himself, his hobbies, and so forth. I nodded without making eye contact and every now and then mumble, uh-huh.
Finally we got into XS and almost immediately I bolted for the bathroom. GOSH! I am such a cunt. I held myself in there for a bit until I came to my senses. He isn’t harmful to look at, he isn’t a perv, and he is probably just as nervous as I am. I felt like a total bitch so I immediately searched for him. I found him at the bar holding two drinks with a beaming smile.
After what seems like an entire bottle of Vodka later he had actually morphed into something handsome. DAMN alcohol! We had similar nerdy interest and both enjoyed the same fascination for Zombies. The night was beginning to fade and 4AM suddenly came.
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here “
My very foggy, yet few momentarily vivid details after I invited him back to my hotel room:
We caught a cab and almost as my pantiless ass lands on the seat he leaps on me like a lion attacking an antelope; sloppy, wet kisses almost drowning in saliva.
Arrived at my Hotel and as we were walking into the lobby he grabs my waist from behind and we nearly toppled over.
After pushing him off he followed me into the elevator. Once again the lion prances and devours his prey.
The 11th floor and elevator doors open I push him off and headed towards my room. He follows eagerly.
I opened my room door and barely step foot in and the lion attacks his prey.
He pulls his pants off and shoves me playfully onto the bed. Intoxicated, horny and clearly out of my fucking mind. I lifted my dress, spread my legs and bent my knees.
The naked lion pierces his prey.
About 8 minutes of what seemed like an alcohol induced seizure he rolled off and passed out.
I expectations were already quite low; first he was asian. I expected either an average or smaller penis. Second, my ex was godly hung and knew how to rock my boat. (Yes boys we all like to be fucked differently)
I shrugged, grabbed my laptop, put on some girl on girl-watch her squirt porn and rubbed one out.
I came and soon after so did the sun. At 8am I woke up with a pounding, unforgiving headache. I looked around me and stopped at the sight of a manbeast naked, hairy ass up faced down and drowning in drool. He farts really loudly causing me to choke on the fumes. UGH! What in sweet baby Moses was I high on? I shook him vigorously and instantaneously he ejactualted from the bed; obviously discombobulated. I tell him the time and ask him to leave, he grunts, mumbles, and jiggled on his clothes. Aware, awake and awkwardly he smiles and expresses his desire to call me later for dinner. I jotted down a fake number and shove him out the door.
My dubious accounts of a HORRID, UNMISTAKABLE one night stand. No regrets, I learned two valuable lessons.
Never again will I desperately use Craigslist to seek company.
Masturbate before a night out so I won’t think with my pussy.
Asian guys although honorably polite and treats a woman right; just don’t do anything for my libido or kitty.
Thank goodness I wasn’t too intoxicated to remember to use a condom! I still wonder how he managed to fit into a magnum…..