Ever since Friday’s epic fail of a road trip, I have forced myself to focus on the blog. Noticed the spike in content? Yeah, well it’s either sleep deprivation, forgotten meals and more content for my lewd fanatics or bitch, moan and drive myself to madness over analyzing over Friday’s fail and X. Well last night, by force, I finally removed myself from X’s side of the bed. Blair was fed up with being ignored and watching me obsessively waste away, she stole my laptop charger when I wasn’t paying attention. I noticed after a couple of hours when my laptop died. I walked up the stairs ass-naked (natural is comfort for me, so as soon as my foot stepped over into my threshold, all my clothes magically disappears!) to look for Blair and raise hell, she was standing in the kitchen. There was food sprawled across the table and a goofy grin plastered across her face. I sighed and demanded to know what the fuck she was up to. Again, goofy grin, she walked away from me towards the fridge and took out a bottle of chilled patron. With a fucking feast, my favorite poison, and her kittenish attitude, how can I possibly stay annoyed?
I shook my head in disbelief and walked over to the bar area and grabbed two shot glasses. “Do we have—”
Blair cuts me off and says, “YEAH! (giggles) of course! Who could forget you are a fucking pussy and need pineapple back?”
I snared at her jokingly. “Mm Hmm…”
I can’t deny Blair is a loyal best friend. Anyone who can deal with my bluntness, bitching, bossiness, and brute inconsiderate attitude and still have some love and patience towards me, deserves the medal of fucking honor!
We sat down to grub and drink excessively, while she gossiped about the uselessness that occurred while I was cocooned. After what seemed like two hours, I was intoxicated. Blair is a lightweight and cannot tolerate much alcohol, therefore she opted out on patron and had some soda instead. “SO you’re pretty much “white-girl” drunk, so let’s go out before you get wasted and pass out!” Blair stated. If I hadn’t been so intoxicated I would’ve been pompous towards her statement, NOT question, and corrected her. In lieu of my drunkenness, I nodded my head in agreement and stumbled out of the kitchen and back down stairs to slip on something less tits -n- ass revealing. Blair managed to help me dress and slapped on enough makeup so that I didn’t portray a homeless, worn out hooker/junkie and we left. I was consumed by patron. My thoughts for once was clear and I hummed along out of sync with whatever was playing and enjoyed the ride to destination: unknown.
Two out of tune songs later, Blair pulled up to a shopping center and parked.
“Where are we?” I asked her.
“At the Hookah lounge!” she replied excitedly.
“MmmmKay!!” I slurred as I gathered myself and exited the car.
As we entered the lounge a massive dense cloud of sweet fragrant shisha overwhelmed my senses, causing me to instantly become nauseous. (Ugh) I wanted to go home. Going to an under aged hangout on a Monday night is NOT my idea of fun, but whatever. I was due for a “Blair-ee bitchin’ blast” with my BFF. I followed Blair to the far end of the lounge to a glass-looking, dingy excuse for a table. Surrounding three sides of the style-starved table are booth-like chairs. I swear, it was as if the owner went to the city dump yard to shop. The upholstery was p-leather, worn to the cushion, patches of silver duct tape covering holes. (Smh) Distasteful thus far. The booth was occupied by three extremely young, prepubescent looking boys and one chubby chick drowning in “dear diary, I want to join a suicidal cult” EMO attire. When Blair introduced me to the group, only one of the guys stood and offered a welcoming handshake, introducing himself as Jake. All the others just nodded, obviously too fucking preoccupied with their phones by whatever social media critical to breathe.
WTF happened to proper etiquette? I swear humanity has fallen into a shit filled hell of narcissism. I mean, come on! You can’t take two fucking seconds of your pathetic life to stand up—- HELL , even to simply offer a handshake from where you’re sitting?!? Does it really kill you to be polite or learn some sort of mannerism kids? I know most you come from a long line of uneducated, lazy, stupid fucks who instead of working towards stabilizing a foundation for their future family, decides to procreate. Holy fucking shit man! You are apart of a highly placed, opportune society. Get off your entitlement acting, lazy asses and learn some class!
(Sigh) Anyways, the smoky aroma began to dissipate and soothe my nausea. I sat down close to the edge of the booth so there would be no obstacles between the door and me. You know, just in case God comes to the realization that these immature dumb-shits is the future “to be continued”. Then, without another thought, spontaneously decides genocide is the only cure for stupidity and kills them by the building full. My annoyance soon faded by the thought of stupidity genocide and I smiled. Blair could tell by the mischievous smirk plastered across my face that whatever I was thinking was not related to saving orphans, or anything close to being angelic. She decided to intervene, “HEY! SO…. Jayde blogs about sex.”
Her words pulled me back to reality. SEX. Such a magical word, “Ummm….what? Did someone say sex?” I asked. Blair snorted a quick laugh and I looked around the table at the group. Apparently sex is a universally magical, attention grabbing word, cause the entire group stop what they were doing and directed their attention to me. Fucking A—I hate being centered.
“I was telling everyone you blog about sex.” Blair replied with emphasized annoyance.
“Oh, ummm yeah…. I…ummm….do.” I tried not to show any nervousness but it was nearly impossible. The intensity of nervousness increased with every passing moment I remained centered. Jake noticed I was shaking, he asked “Oh no shit? That sounds pretty fucking rad! So what about sex do you write? Like informational stuff, facts, or like “Fifty Shades of Gray” kinda shit?”
“Oh no! More or less my adventures leading to me fuckin’ and chuckin’– well you know one night stands. There are articles, interviews, and other humor reads in it, but the focus is primarily on the fuckin’.” I replied with content. My nervousness started to shake off and I loosen up.
Since I the other three cunt kids hadn’t bothered introducing themselves I did not know their names, therefore I will make up suitable names. Tall, fat one with an afro is “cock sucker #1”. The other rude fucker will be called “cock sucker #2 ”. The only other female besides myself and Blair will be called “Cult of Cunts who devours cock for lunch”.
Cock sucker #1 of course asked, “Man! So since you just fuck anybody, we should fuck.”
I shook my head and replied, “HA! Yeah of course you would say something pretentious. Figures… FYI. I don’t just FUCK anybody. When the day comes where I would graciously accept your offer for sex, then let it be known I was somehow traumatically brain damaged to an extent whereas my ability to control my bodily functions are severely compromised.”
Cock sucker #1 looked at me with immense confusion. So since I am so sweet and love to help the challenged, I continued, “If I hadn’t made myself clear to you, I will speak slowly and in simpleton. I would have to be brain dead and marinated in my own shit in order to ever put myself in a situation that involves fucking or let alone, touching you.”
Blair laughed and Cock suck the first scowled, then put his head down and pretended to be more interested in his phone. I suppose my response pissed off Cock sucker #2 and Cult of cock devouring cunts, because they too went back to rearing their respiratory via social media(ing).
“Well now that the children are occupied…” I stated while rolling my eyes. Blair and Jake both giggled. I grabbed a cigarette from my purse and lit it. The tension I left behind lingering after my smart ass remark grew into an awkward silence. Since I broke it I might as well man up and fix it, “Fuck, this is boring. I am still a bit tipsy and a club doesn’t sound too shabby right now. Too bad you’re all underage or we’d be there instead of sitting here with our thumbs in our ass.”
Jake replied, “I am not underage, I am 24.”
I laughed, “I should have figured, Asians are the master of deceit when it comes to age. Well if that is the case you wanna go to Marquee or Light?”
He took a few seconds to respond, “Well… I am not properly dress, but fuck it let’s go!”
I looked at Blair for a sign of approval. She knew if I had to be there one more fucking second I will go postal and burn the place to the ground. She smiled, told me to be safe and then proceeded to tell Jake that if he doesn’t “watch out” for me, she will have his cock on a silver platter.
Jake and I… well mainly just I, decided on Marquee. Since I know some of the promoters and head honchos there, VIP treatment sounded much more appealing. When we got to Marquee I called head honcho Sebastian (Alias) and asked if he could ever so kindly put me on the guest list. He agreed and as I am thanking him someone one grabs me from behind and lifts me off the ground. When I am startled, I do not scream, yelp, or peep a sound. I leave the screaming in the bedroom. My first reflex is to use my feet as weapons and the balls as a target. I managed to kick the attackers junk the first try thanks to my 6 inch stiletto savior! I fell to the floor instantaneously. I could hear a man’s voice swearing words the devil himself wouldn’t dare. I smiled and thought to myself proudly, “Yeah, mother fucker. Don’t fuck with me just because I am a tiny!” HMP
The crowd begin to form a circle around me and my attacker. (Smh, nosy fucks) I still hadn’t seen who my attacker was and since he grabbed me from behind, when he dropped me I was facing the opposite direction. When I was done congratulating myself, I dusted off and stood. I turned around and OMG….. There he was. Red in the face, tears from the pain rolling down his cheeks, with both hands on mandingo. “SEBASTIAN!” I cried out as I ran towards him. I grabbed his arm to comfort him but instead of accepting my gesture, he backed away in fear. I was/am confuse by his response. Thinking to myself, then and still now, “Fucking A, why do guys think its okay to do dumb shit? Clearly isn’t safe nor is it funny when you attempt to scare the bejesus out of someone. What did he expect?!?”
His pain must have subsided, because after I backed away from him, he slowly removed his hands from his crotch and he looked at me with worry. Well that or my over analytical mind bled onto my motor skills. It was written all over my face.
Sebastian spoke. “This is all my fault, I am sorry. I have never been kicked in the nuts doing that before. I have learned my lesson, never again!”
“No! I am sorry darling…. I over reacted.”
We exchanged apologies a few more times before Jake cut in and suggested a drink should calm the situation. In agreement, Sebastian led the way into Marquee and I shamefully followed.
Other than me kicking him square in the nuts, Marquee was fun.
More importantly I met the softer side of Sebastian.
My ego is more frail than I dare to exude, in result of it I have learned to close my heart and compartmentalize emotions. Rarely has someone knocked and I answer willingly. It is a damning feeling knowing Sebastian will never have a fighting chance. I’d rip his beating heart out and devour it with a side of freshly baked cock. What’s the most fucked up about what I just said? I don’t even know I am doing it.
Moving on, Marquee: Jake, Sebastian and I are at the bar outside, closest to the pool. Knocking back patron shots, joking and jiving, just fantastic and in great company. As the alcohol inebriates my senses my kitten purrs with each slip Sebastian takes, each laugh he’s chucked and I find myself moving closer and closer towards him.
Two’s company, three’s a crowd: Blind to social cues, I had not notice that Jake noticed that I was clearly noticing Sebastian. With each passing minute Jake’s laughing stopped, then drinking, them smiling all together. Finally he excused himself to the boys room and POOF gone. Never saw or heard from him since.
Toxicity on a Tuesday: (UGH)
I woke up in bed.
Bladder about to burst.
Everything around me was blurry. Fuck! WTF happened to my contacts? I make out what seems to be the frame of my canopy bed. “Ahhh, I am home. Good.” I pull off the massive black comforter to head to the bathroom, just like I would any given morning. Still dazed, drunk, and eyes half closed. I sat down to release last night’s toxins, but suddenly jumped back to a standing position once I felt something touch my thighs. Thinking it was a massive insect of some sort I brush off my thighs and to my surprise I had a strap-on, strapped…well, on. Then it hit me, “WTF happened last night?!?” I traced my steps in my head, “Okay, hookah, Marquee, Sebastian, Patron……..” Shit! The last memory I had was leaving Marquee hand in hand, skipping like a bunch of lame sissies.
First things first. I need to fucking pee and then I will grab my phone. I removed the wobbly wieners strapped to my pelvis and sat down on the toilet. As the toxins gush out of me, I thought about the strap-on, “MMM must have been a great fucking night!! but wait… who.. did… I. Sebastian?!” I quickly wiped, flushed and fled to see who I victimized last night. Poor fucker, first I kick his nuts and then raped his ass?
My bathroom has two entrances from my room. One leading to the bed, the other towards my office. I took the exit farthest from my bed and tip-toed towards my bed. I was too embarrassed to face Sebastian. As I came closer to my bed I could faintly see a humanly figure under the comforter. I could barely see the lump and I was squinting. When I finally reached the foot of the bed, the mystery figure stirred and then shot up. Sitting there was Blair with a look of confusion.
“Thank the fucking stars it’s you!” A wave of relief washed over me.
“Ummm.. what? Ughhhh my….head.. WTF..” She started to trail away. Then suddenly, “I gotta fucking pee!” Blair jumped out of bed, fully nude and ran towards the bathroom. I hear a plop and then shuuush. “What is this?!? What…why.. the fuck?! I have rope tied to my wrist!! WTF HAPPENED JAYDE?!” Blair shouted from the bathroom. I put two and two together and groaned.
“I don’t fucking know but I intend on finding out!”
I grabbed my phone and looked through my text messages.
3:16 am: Blair “have you died yet? Red Louboutins shall be mines!!”
3:28 am: Me “Surprise, Surprise cunt 8 shots of patron can’t kill me. Nothing CAN!!!”
3:47 am: Blair “Sssssmut slut slut cut!!1 El drunko no go home ohhhhh yeah!”
3:59 am: Me “This mother cock sucker is pissing me off!!”
3:59 am: Blair “Wait where are you? Are you safe?”
4:01 am: Me “Pick me up please? He left me at a gas station!!! Please hurry”
4:01 am: Blair “WTF?!?! Where? I am on my way!!”
4:02 am: Me “On the strip. 3873 Las Vegas Blvd am/pm. Please hurry guys are approaching me asking me how much!”
As I am reading I have a dumbfounded expression plastered across my face.
“What?” Blair asked while coming out of the bathroom.
“Umm, let me investigate and I’ll sum it up for you.” I quickly replied.
“Uh oh, that can’t be good..” Blair responded while rubbing her vagina. “Fuck, my pussy is sore! I need to stop masturbating so much…..”
I smiled mischievously and continued my investigation.
3:59 am: Me “You cocksucking mother fucking FUCKER!!”
4:22 am: Sebastian “What? Are you mentally insane? You jumped out of the car and wouldn’t get back in. If I had known you’d be a mental patient drunk I would have never let you drink!!”
4:29 am: Me “Hey got two hot and horny Asian bitches over here. Wanna join?”
Holy shit… I exploded in laughter.
“What!? Tell me!!!” Blair whined.
“Better, I will SHOW you” and I handed over my phone.
It took me until now to gather all of what happened on Monday. That is why I am posting so late. Other than waking up with a massive dildo strapped on in full nude, Blair waking up next to me in her naked fine ass self, the psycho texts, and a record of calls: missed, outgoing, incoming. All from Sebastian and Blair. I do take pride in myself for not drunk dialing X. I rarely get that wasted and I never blackout as I did that night. Lesson learned. I probably cannot show my face EVER again at Marquee….. I’ll send him an apology. Hrmmmm… Maybe a massive black strap-on?
OH! Before I forget, there are some photos I found last night of Blair and I. I didn’t show her any of the photos because, well, her and I have been down this road before. It led to jealousy, clinginess, fighting and eventually an explosive break up. I love her too much to go back down that road. And NO, I won’t post them! I refused to air something so provocatively perverse, but I’m not cruel so I’ll leave a little something.